120-Page Monster

Hai, Interwebs.

Sun, 20 May 2012 17:11:15 -0400

Just making sure you’re still there.

YOU GUYS! I FINALLY FOUND THE PERFECT NAME FOR MY BAND.

Thu, 17 May 2012 17:04:45 -0400

YOU GUYS! I FINALLY FOUND THE PERFECT NAME FOR MY BAND.

So many quarters. So many hours. So much of my youth.

Thu, 17 May 2012 09:10:52 -0400

So many quarters.

So many hours.

So much of my youth.

Morning, nerds.

Thu, 17 May 2012 08:41:38 -0400

Morning, nerds.

Dear, Tumblr...

Wed, 16 May 2012 23:22:04 -0400

While I enjoy jotting funny sayings on you, or sticking dorktastic photos of myself on you, I think I’m going to start writing more on you.

Long stuff.

Longer stuff than HerpDerp captions.

Because, I truly enjoy writing, you know.

It’s just that I don’t do it often enough.

With enough meaning and substance.

And because I’m forty-seven years old and I don’t want to be writing PHP code for someone else during my “Depends years”.

I have some ideas of what I’d like to write.

Some of them will turn out better than I’d ever hoped.

Others will be – as Hemingway once said – shit.

So, while I’ll still be having fun all up in you, I want to stretch myself and challenge my creative abilities by writing more meaningful fare.

…that, and more dick jokes.

Tonight, on the Discovery Channel: Drunken Sunburned White...

Wed, 16 May 2012 11:45:49 -0400

Tonight, on the Discovery Channel: Drunken Sunburned White People Dancing Awkwardly to the Music of Black People.

abloodymess: yup Oh, my good lord…

Tue, 15 May 2012 16:02:24 -0400

abloodymess:

yup

Oh, my good lord…

Clever.

Tue, 15 May 2012 14:42:00 -0400

“I think the Devil is clever…snowball’s chance in Hell and so forth…”
~ Pete Campbell

Hearing Pete’s remark about the Sno-Ball concepts in Sunday night’s episode of Mad Men took me back to my first non-retail “career job” as a copywriter, back in 1994. The agency was a small local shop that was looking for a new ad writer and, like any other agency, candidates were asked to submit samples of their work in order to be considered.

When I read the ad for the job, I was in the midst of licking my wounds from a disastrous attempt at teaching high-school English. During that time, I had dabbled with writing and truly loved it, so writing advertising seemed like a creative yet profitable path. With that and the six years of retail sales experience under my belt, I felt this was something I could do and do well. There was only one problem:

I didn’t have any previous work to show.

I’d usually thought of myself as artistic and God knows I’d seen enough advertisements by the time I was twenty-five that I thought I knew what was effective. So I started brainstorming ideas for print ads. I came up with two.

The first was for Whirlpool. The products were a washer and dryer that, although separate units, could communicate and share wash and dry cycle settings. The washer would take the settings the user enters and seamlessly pass information information such as load size and fabric type over to the dryer. One setting for both machines. I’m not sure where the idea originated. Probably the laundromat.

The second ad was for Playtex. My wife and I had just had our first child, so naturally baby care and feeding were heavy on our minds. The product was their bottle feeding system and this particular sample ad was my absolute favorite. The visuals were simple. A photo of a baby, pouting like someone had just taken a toy away. Under the photo was the ad copy and nestled between the photo and the copy was the simple tagline:

Babies suck.

The copy went on to explain how Playtex did intensive research on how babies drink and their bottles were designed to provide the most natural feeding experience, next to breastfeeding. I was completely in love with this ad. It pulled you in. Made you want to read why someone would say something so cruel about an innocent little baby. It was clean and easy to read. In fact, the layout very closely resembled the iconic “Lemon” VW ad. Although I didn’t have the Beetle ad in mind when designing mine, that ad had so heavily influenced the industry, I’m sure it somehow worked its way into my subconcious.

My resume – and two new ads – in hand, I arrived for the interview. The president of the agency was pleasant enough. Being new at this, I wasn’t sure what questions I should be asking, so I listened to her talk about some of their past work and so on. Finally, she asked to see my samples, so I pulled the two ads from a manilla folder and laid them side by side in front of her. She looked at the Whirlpool ad, read it, and nodded. Then she moved to the Playtex ad. She chuckled and said it was “clever”. Then she looked me in the eye and said four words that precisely summed up the essence her agency’s work:

“We don’t do ‘clever’.”

“What do you mean ‘you don’t do clever’?”, I thought. “‘Clever’ gets your attention. ‘Clever’ pulls you in. ‘Clever’ makes you smile. ‘Clever’ makes you remember. And it just made you laugh, right?” But no, they didn’t do ‘clever’. What they did do, instead, were space ads. Long, text-heavy testimonial ads for slightly shady own-your-own-business reports and weight loss systems that were “guaranteed to work”. The kind of head-melting full-page tomes you’d see in Parade Magazine and Reader’s Digest. Not the stuff that I nor anyone I knew would go out of their way to read.

She went on to explain how long-form space ads were the highest, most revered form of advertising; Ads that spoke directly to the potential customer’s fears and insecurities. First you plant the seed of curiosity, then you explain how horrible their current situation is, then you reveal how this once-in-a-lifetime offer will change everything.

I realized then that her views contradicted every possibly uninformed idea I had about advertising. I slid my rejected boards back into the folder and politely continued the interview.

A week later, to my complete amazement, I got the job. My training consisted of reading the stack of Bob Bly articles my new boss gave me on the topics of direct marketing and sales letters. Try as I might, I just couldn’t stomach writing ‘non-clever’. Crafting those huge blocks of systematically structured sales text was literally sucking the life from me. I think she sensed it, too. I was let go after five months.

It took me several years, but I eventually realized that, despite my complete distaste for everything about it, the space ad format was exactly the right fit for their clients’ needs. And at the end of the day – especially the ones made up of billable hours – that’s all that mattered.

I’ve also realized how vital it is that you fight tooth and nail to own what you make. That you don’t allow anyone to block you from creating what you believe to be relevant and delightful. And that you’re always the one out in front of it, selling it.

…

Today, I’m back at an ad agency, not writing copy, but writing PHP code. Actually, I do get to do the occasional copy for the occasional web page, but when I do, I always strive to keep it relevant. And friendly. And clever.

Oh, and if you happen to see my beloved Playtex ad, lying lonesome on the back seat of a taxicab, be sure to give it a glance.

smartasshat: If your sandwich is on fire… If your sandwich...

Tue, 15 May 2012 14:36:51 -0400

smartasshat:

If your sandwich is on fire…

If your sandwich needs rescuing…

Call us.

1-ADAM-12! 1-ADAM-12!…

La playa, bitches.

Sun, 13 May 2012 17:27:18 -0400

La playa, bitches.

temporalgrayce: What I wouldn’t give… Piles of books…in...

Sun, 13 May 2012 10:42:00 -0400

temporalgrayce:

What I wouldn’t give…

Piles of books…in an abandoned building.

It’s like this place was made for Jake and Grace.

That’s my son Jake on the right. On the left is his best...

Sat, 12 May 2012 22:19:31 -0400

That’s my son Jake on the right. On the left is his best friend Travis. And in the center, Travis’ older sister Elizabeth, who is, pretty much Jake’s older sister by default. This has quickly become one of my favorite photos ever.

They are all incredibly magnificent nerds. INDEED.

ACTIVATE SLEEP MODE

Sat, 12 May 2012 14:57:19 -0400

ACTIVATE SLEEP MODE

So, I’m riding with my 11-year-old daughter and...

Fri, 11 May 2012 14:43:00 -0400

So, I’m riding with my 11-year-old daughter and she’s blasting the Japanese vocaloid speed pop she digs so much, and because I’m a loving and supportive parent, I try to take some level of interest in her interests and let her commandeer my car radio from time to time. And then she proceeds to completely blow my mind:

She played a Tom Waits track. And then she confessed to me that she is, in fact, a huge Tom Waits fan. And she’s ELEVEN.

And so I thought to myself, “This beautiful child of mine has completely amazing musical taste and I love her so very much.”

…and then she played Skrillex.

15 Ways To Stay Married For 15 Years

Fri, 11 May 2012 11:39:51 -0400

15 Ways To Stay Married For 15 Years:

mattdoucette:

accuratelyawesome:

sequinsandsideeye:

profashional:

I thought this was going to be one of those stupid women’s magazine-esque articles on “how to keep your man happy!!!!” but this was actually a really inspiring read with great advice for marrieds of all ages.

My favorite:

All the crap you read in magazines about honesty, sense of humor, communication, sensitivity, date nights, couples weekends, blah blah blah can be trumped by one word: loyalty. You and your spouse are a team of two. It is you against the world. No one else is allowed on the team, and no one else will ever understand the team’s rules. This is okay. The team is not adversarial, the team does not tear its members down, the team does not sabotage the team’s success. Teammates work constantly to help and better their teammates. Loyalty means you put the other person in your marriage first all the time, and you let them put you first. Loyalty means subverting your whims or desires of the moment to better meet your spouse’s whims or desires, with the full understanding and expectation that they will be doing the same. This is the heart of everything, and it is a tricky balance. Sometimes it sways one way and sometimes the other. Sometimes he gets to be crazy, sometimes it’s your turn. Sometimes she’s in the spotlight, sometimes you. Ups and downs ultimately don’t matter, because the team endures.

(via almosthalfway)

well said.

I love this more than I can even say.

Reblogging because I have seen what happens when this isn’t allowed to happen in a marriage. That’s not a marriage. It’s management.

Also, because of reasons.

I love it when the work of a good friend gets profusely reblogged.

Mainly because I cheer for my friends.

Also, because it provides the occasional butt-kick to finish writing my own things.

You go, Lydia. You GO, girl.

Someone actually spelled my name correctly. I’m...

Fri, 11 May 2012 09:25:59 -0400

Someone actually spelled my name correctly. I’m speechless.

Today is going to be an INCREDIBLE day, isn’t it?

My 5-year-old can now spell "zombie guts"

Thu, 10 May 2012 21:32:16 -0400

Parenting achievement badge: UNLOCKED.

sirmitchell: Oh, Tumblr Radar. You so get me.

Thu, 10 May 2012 21:00:15 -0400

sirmitchell:

Oh, Tumblr Radar. You so get me.

Ayup. And I’m not talking about the browser.

Thu, 10 May 2012 20:56:00 -0400

Ayup. And I’m not talking about the browser.

Hey, fellas! Don’t know what to give your wife for...

Thu, 10 May 2012 16:01:00 -0400

Hey, fellas! Don’t know what to give your wife for Mother’s Day?

How about a vacuum cleaner? Or maybe a table fan? Perfect, amirite?

Fuck diamonds. Or a nice trip. Or even a quiet date night.

THIS is what she really wants…Because, you know, it’s 1960 and that’s what our women do.

Ladies.